She isn't in pain, she eats well, plays with Pete, loves spending endless hours in the warm sun eating hay with Fancy and goes out of her way to get an extra bite of apple and a good hug at the end of the day. As long as she's doing this well, she has every right to live. When it becomes too much for her, when the pain gets too bad.... We have a special resting place for her, next to our path to the Rainbow Bridge. She, like Blackie, Scout, Comet and so many others, will find the peace they so strongly deserve.

The Final Goodbye
You're supposed to get use to it. Throughout the years I've seen it far too often. In some magic way, I'm told, the all too common occurrence of death should remove the sting. It's the other side of life, the end result for every living thing. The body is there, the heart's pumping, the eyes look outward, the spirit is present - then it stops. Everything that was life is gone. Those that are left alive try our best to make some meaning of it all. Usually we can't.

Shadow is in her stall, happily munching away at a net full of hay. She ate more than her share of feed this afternoon, she'll get more than her fair share of apples and carrots before I go to bed tonight. I'm no longer worried about overfeeding. Those concern past while we were at the Doc's this afternoon.

"It's too far gone, Jerry."

And I agreed. The cancer is coming through in six different places. She's constantly bleeding, the lumps just under the skin show signs of massive growth. The cancer is killing the host. The host is Shadow.

I couldn't do it today. We have a special place for our horses, a place out at the ranch called the "Rainbow Sanctuary." Blackie is there, along with markers for a number of other horses. That's where Shadow needs to be in her final moments on this earth, where she needs to be so that those of us who love her know that her body will never be disturbed, where she will find the peace she always wanted.

In quiet moments we can go there, just to be close, to be still, to remember. We can recall her eyes that sparkled with life, her floppy ears, her desire to eat every carrot in the world. We will keep her memory alive for a little while longer.

Monday, January 3rd, will be Shadow's last day of life. Everything will be ready, the hole prepared, the tractor standing by, the trailer will carry her to the site, the Doc will come and.... Shadow will leave us forever. I don't want that to happen. I have no choice.

It's Wednesday night , December 29, as I write this. I want her to live to see the change, I told a volunteer. I need to get things ready, I told the Doc. Someone might want to stop by and see her, I told my wife. The real truth is that I want to spend the weekend with her. I want to sit in the grass and watch her graze. I want to scratch her tummy, rub her ears, clean her hooves, and give her snacks. I want to hold her so very tight, and I tell her how much I love her. I want to look into those eyes and tell her how wonderful she is and how very sorry I am that humans did what they did to her.

And come Monday morning, after I feed her, after I put her halter on, attach the lead rope and walk her out of her stall, I want those precious moments to turn and face her, to look into those sparkling eyes and say the final goodbye.

I love you Shadow. I'll meet you on the other side.
Jerry Finch
December 28

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